Joss Whedon Puts in a Bid for the Terminator Franchise!!!

whedonterminatorbid

In case you haven’t heard, the rights to the Terminator franchise are once again going to be up for grabs when they are auctioned off later this month, and a number of studios are said to be interested including Sony, Summit Entertainment and Media Rights Capital. It’s unclear what this will mean for the future of the franchise, but apparently big media corporations aren’t the only ones hoping to get a chance to repackage and resell the robot apocalypse. Believe it or not, there are a few other interested parties out there, including one… Joss Whedon?

In a somewhat humourous and irreverent open letter posted on Whedonesque and Deadline Hollywood, the man behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly and Dollhouse offers up a tidy sum of $10,000 for the franchise, and proceeds to give some of his ideas about what to do with it. As expected, there is at least one reference to his good friend Summer Glau, who appeared in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and must have been part of the inspiration for this little write-up. Oh Joss… must you always be the class clown? I’m not sure what the point of all this is except that he thought it would be a real gas. It seems like he is implying that the Terminator franchise isn’t worth very much anymore, but maybe in some sly way he’s saying that he really does want to get involved with the next movie? I’m sure the Browncoats are already raving about the possibilities! Bask in the comedic genius of the full letter after the jump.

An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma’ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where ‘hood’ was capitalized ’cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the ‘grapevine’ that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

No, you didn’t miscount. That’s four — FOUR! — zeroes after that one. That’s to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here’s what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don’t ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture — and my pretend play — as any I can think of. It’s far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator… of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far… back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? “Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!” RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he’s a cyborg and he doesn’t give a s#&% about the ring — it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he’s doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There’s a reason they’re called “Summer” movies.

3) Can you say… musical? Well don’t. Even I know that’s an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale’s John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there’s a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar — and dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There’s more — this brain don’t quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) — but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I’d like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including “Song of Norway” (no current franchise offer).

Sincerely, Joss Whedon.



  • Swarez

    Staggeringly unfunny.

  • Henrik

    I think this letter is great!

  • Matt

    Yeah this is weird, and not funny. Is this him trying to prove to all the whedon fanboys that he is so much cooler and “with it” than all those fat cat studio execs?

  • Justice

    Wow, that was terrible. He sounds like an ass. The real question is, what’s worse…Terminator: Salvation or Whedon’s Alien: Resurrection?

  • two words: crystal meth

  • BigHungry

    This is what is needed. The last movie was not on par at all. It needs someone with the vision to weave in the plot direction.

  • BigHungry

    I agree the franchise is not worth much after the last movie. I wish he was serious about this and put up some real numbers to get a great concept on track… at least make sure it is headed in the right direction.

  • Andrew

    I’m sorry, did I miss something? This letter is from Joss Whedon right? Is he really making fun of Salvation? This from the guy that wrote Aliens 4? Talk about killing a franchise! This is the guy that decided a great idea for ending one of the best Scifi properties of all time was to have Ripley, the original female, ass kicking hero, that all his little Doll House, Buffy and River Tam characters have been pale imitations of, his idea was to have her turn into some kind of clone/cyborg and then become emotional attached to a half human half alien love child? Really? Really? Even with it’s horrid, “Take my heart” ending, Salvation is a far superior movie to that giant piece of crap Joss wrote. I love Whedon’s comics, but he shouldn’t be writing letters about buying Terminator, he should still be writing apology letters for Aliens 4. Also “Angle”. Eefing “Angle”!

  • Mike

    i’d watch Terminator of the Rings

  • Nate

    First of all, this letter is a joke and anyone not catching that has completely missed the point. Secondly, really? Alien Resurrection bashing? We’re still on that? You know he’s a credited writer for the Best Screenplay nominated Toy Story, right? And that almost everything he’s done since Resurrection (jury’s still out on Dollhouse) has been gold? Or how about the fact that Whedon’s shows took serialized storytelling on television to the next level and laid groundwork for shows like Battlestar Galactica and LOST? But you guys are right, let’s focus on Alien Resurrection instead.

    Fact: A Joss Whedon Terminator project would be by far the best thing from the franchise in 18 years. Too bad they won’t actually hand him the reigns.

  • pcch7

    This would be the best thing ever, trumped only if Cameron bought the righst himself

  • Frank

    Wow. Just…. wow. That was a poor attempt at a joke. James Cameron should just buy the franchise & restore it to it’s rightful place.

  • HatchA

    To Andrew…

    “Aliens 4″…. that’s a damn good movie and so much better than Aliens 3 (which actually has a number in it’s title, unlike the fourth Alien movie entitled: Alien RESURRECTION). The only bad thing about that film is that the cool character gets killed off at the start (Micky Wincott rules!!).

    Also… I’m a little confused here…

    You wrote ““Angle”. Eefing “Angle”!”

    Did you mean Angel. Effing Angel! ?

    Just wanted to clear that up.

  • HatchA

    Oooh… one more thing.

    If Jimbo Cameroonie was to do ANYTHING decent with his money, he’d buy back the rights and bury them, never to be troubled again. It’s irreparably skullfucked at the moment and needs time to heal.