Greg’s 2008 TIFF Report: Day 1

Posted by on September 5th, 2008   Filed under: Festival Coverage

Hello friends,

Once again, it’s time for that jezebel to invade my life and spin it upside down. You know her as TIFF…or for those new this year…the Toronto International Film Festival. For the last 12 years I’ve been putting up with her issues and her nagging and her sweet loving, and I will continue to do it because deep down she makes me happy. Why? Who the fuck knows? I feel it is only necessary to share with you a daily account of my times here and let you be a small part of the sheer insanity that is my relationship with TIFF and this asswipe of a city.

Day 1 starts off very, very late. It’s the first day of the fest and usually I never have a film on that day so this is a new feeling. It’s a Midnight Madness screening. The MM is a group of films that showcase horror, action, sci-fi and all around mayhem. I’ve seen some amazing films at the MM and I’ve seen some ‘films’ that looked like some endomorph took a hefty dump on the film reels.

Tonight, it’s JCVD. What does JCVD stand for? What else but Jean Claude Van Damme? At this moment you’re thinking to yourself “Why the fuck is there a fucking Van Damme movie at TIFF?”. That is a legitimate thought and concern and surprisingly, there is an acceptable answer to this. The movie isn’t your typical Van Damme movie. More on the film in a moment.

On my way to the screening, I walk down Yonge St and see the funniest tranny I’ve ever seen. Wait!…..let me clarify. It’s actually the only tranny I’ve seen that wasn’t in a video. Wait!…..that didn’t come out right either. Blast. Anyhoo…I saw a short, fat asian dude with a tight black mini skirt and a hilarious wig. I laugh and point.

I line up and spot Sean from Film Junk (don’t forget to check out our website… filmjunk.com) Those of you reading this on the website….just ignore that last sentence. I stand with Sean and decide to peruse the line to spot a friend from work with no luck. I did spot a former employee who’s on his way to fulfilling his dream of becoming a professional stuntman. How fucking cool is that? Anyway, on my way back to our spot the line starts going in and there’s no way I’ll make it back to Sean in time so at the last moment I cut in front of someone and I hear him say “Well played.” Do I feel bad for cutting in line? Fuck no. That’s the best part of the cut. Not feeling bad about it. That and not turning around and seeing the pissed off dude behind me.

I find Sean and sit down and hold the seats while he goes to drain the lizard. Or so he said. I had to stand up to let some people by and one of the guys going by tries to steal my newspaper. I’m in this hellhole of a town for 2 hours and someone is already trying to steal my shit! Piss off, fuckstick. I secure my paper and the lights finally go down.

In this film JCVD plays himself on a trip back home to Brussels for a court appearance. You see, JC is in the middle of a custody battle and it’s not going so well. In the midst of trying to get some much needed cash, he gets caught in the middle of an armed robbery. The worst part is that the police outside think he is the one holding up the bank. Yes, the plot seems fantastical in nature, but that’s what makes this movie funny. It was surprisingly good and apparently, Mr. Van Damme can act. Yeah…you read that right. Dude can act.

Alright…it’s 3:30am and I’ve got three films tomorrow. I need some shuteye.

I remain,

Very tired.



  • Bas

    Ah, playing cutsies. Never look past your perimeter! NIce to read a report that isn’t from Sean. No offense, Sean, but I think your Film Junk buddies shouldn’t let you do all the dirty work. The JVCD-movie sounds cool! That title also beats the Belgian version (Rois des Belges = King of the Belgians) and the US one (Van Dammage).

  • Lol, I like Greg’s writing (for the same reasons Bas said it is nice to see it). If I wrote articles for Film Junk I’m sure they would sometimes include mentions of hefty dumps and fucksticks.

  • I like Greg, but cutting in line is pretty greedy (an emotion I am still trying to understand), why didn’t you stay with Sean and stay nice? And I don’t actually think Jean Claude Van Damme can act, but I will accept that he can caricature his own percepted persona and be funny.

  • Greg, I will be living vicariously through your reports. I don’t remember you being so ornery in last year’s reports. And I don’t remember you having such a hate-on for T.O. (For you non-Canadians, T.O. is short for Toronto. Actually, I don’t know what T.O. stands for. Toronto, Ontario? Or is it just the first two characters of Toronto?) One thing hasn’t changed, and that’s your entertaining flair for pointing out the minutiae that accompanies the movie-going experience.

    As for JCVD (not to be confused with JCVSD (i.e., Jay Cheel Versus Sean Dwyer)), I haven’t read anything about it, so I’m a bit confused. Is it a documentary or a fictionalized account of an event in Van Damme’s life? If it’s fictional, why is he playing himself? Does he fight in the movie? Is he still able to do the splits?

    I think Van Damme may be a better actor than Seagal or Norris. (I know that’s not saying much.)

    The forecast is for rain tomorrow, Greg. So bring your umbrella. Wouldn’t want you to catch a cold and sneeze all over the other movie patrons and critics.

  • Guys, I love the site regardless but I have to admit that every year, I anxiously look forward to reading Greg’s TIFF updates. Again, the man doesn’t disappoint. Onto #2.