Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Directed by: Dave Filoni
Written by: Henry Gilroy, Steven Melching, Scott Murphy
Starring (the voices of): Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee, Anthony Daniels, Matt Lanter, James Arnold Taylor, Ashley Eckstein

So here we are, three years after the Star Wars prequels were supposed to have wrapped up, and George Lucas has decided that he’s not yet ready to let them go. There are still plenty of new stories to be told, and more importantly, plenty of Lucasfilm employees in need of work. Am I the only one feeling a bit of deja vu here?

When it was first announced that there was a new computer-animated Star Wars series in development, I thought, why not? It’s another chance to set the bar even lower, and disappoint even more fans. Seriously though, I did like the Clone Wars shorts that Genndy Tartakovsky had directed for the Cartoon Network, and I thought that maybe there was an outside chance that a CG continuation could be worthwhile.

I didn’t want to dismiss it based on the fact that it was a spin-off of sorts. The Star Wars universe has played host to all kinds of stories over the years, and when you consider the endless stream of novels, comic books and video games being consistently churned out, they can’t all suck, right? (Especially when Lucas himself isn’t involved directly.) But when they decided to turn the pilot episode of this new Clone Wars series into a theatrical feature, that’s when I started to get suspicious. Somehow they were trying to put it in the same league as the other movies, and making a claim to legitimacy that this project just couldn’t carry. It started to smell a lot like a cash grab, or, to quote Jabba The Hutt, like “Jedi poodoo”.

As it turns out, the story for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, is every bit the meaningless, throwaway tale that most of us expected. It takes place in between Star Wars Episodes 2 and 3, an era of Star Wars that has all but lost its appeal for me. The conflicts are dull and contrived, as are the villains that Lucas had to invent to keep things interesting. Considering the epic events that we know Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are later involved in, these little diversions now just seem like a waste of time to me.

I almost wish that this time around they had chosen to focus on all new characters and situations just to get away from the stuff that has been flogged to death in the prequel trilogy. Sadly, it’s just more of the same all over again. Anakin is hot-headed and reckless, and Obi-Wan is wise and patient. Senator Palpatine is secretly evil. Amidala and Anakin have a thing for each other. What else could they do to shake things up?

Well, for one, they add a plucky young female Padawan named Ahsoka Tano to the mix, who Anakin reluctantly takes under his wing. It makes for all kinds of cute banter between the two, with her calling him “Skyguy”, and him getting all uptight about her own recklessness. Their mission, if you can believe it, is to recover the kidnapped son of Jabba The Hutt. The son turns out to be a baby Hutt that looks kind of like a green version of Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. They nickname him “Stinky” because he has fallen ill and smells bad. I’m not even making any of this up.

The final insult comes when we later meet Jabba’s Uncle Ziro, who speaks English instead of Huttese and has the most idiotic cartoon voice ever. Apparently George Lucas requested that his voice be modeled after Truman Capote, leading some people to believe the character is actually gay. It doesn’t really matter what his sexuality is, he certainly does not fit the bill of a “ruthless gangster”. (Then again, neither does Stinky.)

Yes, I realize that this movie and the upcoming TV series are aimed at kids, but you know, I’m getting kind of sick of hearing that argument. I loved the original Star Wars movies when I was a kid, so why do kids today have to settle for this crap? The goofy battle droids are rolled out time and again for comic relief, and Anakin’s young sidekick is constantly trying to prove that she shouldn’t be treated like a kid. It’s just so predictable.

I will say that I liked the character designs for the most part, and how they were able to translate Genddy Tartakovsky’s art into a 3D world. Although a lot of the actual actors didn’t provide voices, they had some pretty close likenesses (and Matt Lanter’s vocal performance as Anakin Skywalker may actually be better than Hayden Christensen). The action sequences were well-directed, but there’s no way around the fact that it gets pretty boring watching armies of nameless clones shoot at armies of nameless droids after a while. Yeah there are a few Jedis in the mix, but don’t kid yourself, they are rarely in any real danger.

A lot of people also complained that they changed the music for the opening crawl, but I didn’t have a problem with it. What I did find a bit out of place, however, was the alternating tribal and electronic music that they inserted randomly throughout the movie in place of a John Williams score.

I’m sure there will be plenty of Star Wars fans who still enjoy this movie, but I think there are just as many who will be pretty angry about the whole thing as well. For me, it’s just another bland, subpar entry in a franchise that has long since become way too watered down for its own good. The Star Wars name doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. Someone call me when they have a live action series that takes place during or after the original trilogy. Until then, I’m officially swearing off anything with George Lucas’ name on it. — Sean

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Recommended If You Like: Star Wars: Episode 2, Roughnecks: The Starship Troopers Chronicles, Meet The Robinsons