Treknobabble is a continuing series of columns written by uber-Trekkie Reed Farrington in anticipation of the upcoming J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie.

With recent reports that the Star Trek: The Experience (STTE) attraction at the Las Vegas Hilton Hotel might be coming to an end soon, I thought I would provide an unsolicited recommendation that you visit this attraction before it ends. “What?!?” you’re probably asking yourself. Cynical Reed Farrington actually giving the thumbs up on a cash-grabbing enterprise meant to take advantage of Star Trek fans?

For sure, STTE was set up to lure well-off families to the gambling mecca of Las Vegas. Through the machinations of business conglomerates and with the Star Trek property’s popularity being at an all-time high, STTE was born in 1998 after three years of development.

Ever since STTE opened, I had always envisioned driving to Las Vegas on a road trip. I was all set to be disappointed in STTE, so I thought the journey itself would make up for the disappointment. I had been to Vegas on a business trip before STTE had opened. At my new job, there was no longer this opportunity (or so I had thought). As the years passed, the idea of the road trip lost most of its glamour because the reality of endless driving (well, four or five days) set in. And as Star Trek’s popularity waned, I was prepared in having STTE close and resigned to this.

So at my job in May of last year, out of the blue (and farthest reaches of space), I was asked if I wanted to attend a conference for a software source control product. “Oh, joy,” I thought. “Sure,” I answered. Anything to get away from the office. Then I asked where it was being held. “Las Vegas,” was the reply. I think my Vulcan upbringing cracked, but in my mind, I was showing considerable restraint in withholding my elation.

Flash forward to the evening of arrival to Vegas at the Hard Rock Hotel where I was staying with a non-Trekkie co-worker. The last day of our trip had the most free time available before our flight out, so I set my mind on visiting STTE that day. I knew that plans were prone to change, but I held on to my faith that they wouldn’t. So, for that evening, I walked over to the main strip. I love lights. I was in heaven. I don’t gamble. The Beatles’ musical Love was playing. But there was no time for Love.

On another free evening, I thought I would check out the location of the Las Vegas Hilton by going for a nighttime stroll. There probably would have been time to go to STTE for the two rides: Klingon Encounter (KE) and Borg Invasion 4-D (BI4D). But I wanted to take my time and savour the whole experience. “Patience,” I told myself. From the Google maps, the distance from the Hard Rock to the Hilton seemed within walking distance. I like to explore on foot at the risk of being mugged. (Once I strolled around Compton in LA. They’re friendly there.) When I arrived at the Hilton, I expected a display or signage that would clearly mark the site of STTE. Nope.

Rather than ask for directions (I am a male and a closet Trekkie), I walked through the hotel and mingled with the other tourists, walking here, there, and everywhere. I thought I might be able to spot other Trekkies, but I couldn’t. Then I thought there were probably no other Trekkies around. I finally found the main entrance. From photos I had seen, I had thought the entrance would be larger.

As I expected, the gift shop was open and free to enter. I was really in heaven. The shops aren’t really that big, but for someone who would normally buy anything with Star Trek written on it and someone with one piece of luggage, there was a lot of stuff to buy. I won’t enumerate all the stuff I bought. (For the curious, I think I enumerated most of it in a comment on FilmJunk’s Star Wars vs Star Trek videocast.) Most of the stuff I bought was marked down, so the total I spent was “only” $100. The bottle of Klingon Bloodwine and bottle of Romulan Ale were the holy grails for me, because they won’t send these items to Canada. I bought quite a few plush toys. Hey, I had to have something to cushion the breakable alcohol bottles in my luggage on the return home.

I walked back to the Hard Rock, lugging my stash. I prayed no one would mug a Trekkie, fearing that the STTE bags marked me as a rich tourist.

On the last day, my faith was rewarded when the conference ended on time. I had read on the Internet about a half-price ticket kiosk located near the MGM Grand on the main strip. So I walked over and purchased a ticket. I now had the options of either taking the monorail or taking a taxi to STTE. The monorail might be fun. Having a lot of time and enjoying the sunny weather, I instead ignored both options and decided to walk down the length of the main strip. When the main strip was getting bare, I veered off towards the Hilton.

There were no line-ups at STTE, and the ticket allowed me to go on the rides for as many times as I wanted that day. Even with the dawdling on the main strip, I was able to go on each of the rides twice and have supper at Quark’s Bar and to also make (hey, it’s okay to split the infinitive now) another visit to the Gift Shop. The History of the Future museum exhibit, which contained props and costumes, was all right. I can’t remember any specific thing that sticks out in my mind. Given that the rides start at certain times, you can entertain yourself in the museum until the rides start.

In the queues for the rides, I thought I might be able to strike up a conversation or two. No such luck. Our guide was a teenaged nerdy type who played his nerdiness to full effect. One of the KE’s selling points was making you feel like you’ve been transported. It’s quite obvious how they do this. Let me just say, pay attention to the floor when you first enter the room where you are briefed. The live actors directing you along add verisimilitude to the whole experience. As for the ride on the shuttle simulator itself, I wasn’t expecting the ride to be so vigorous. You really do get jostled around even with the seat belt on! I actually felt giddy. Sure, you’re just an observer through the whole ordeal, and there’s no time for contemplation. It leaves you with an empty feeling at the end. After the high, you want more.

Next up was BI4D. You have to admire the effort that was made to make this experience different from KE. The 4-D effect works extremely well. (Yes, I tried touching the Borg Queen. You know what I mean.) And, I hope I’m not ruining the story, but when Captain Janeway arrives to save the day, I must admit to having an emotional moment. I never felt that way watching Voyager from my living room.

To cap the experience, I knew I wanted to have a meal in Quark’s Bar even though people have grumbled that the prices are high for the type of cuisine being offered. Apparently, giving food cute names like “Smorgasborg” doesn’t make them taste any better. I figured I was paying for the ambience. I was disappointed that I couldn’t find anything specifically created that you couldn’t get at any other restaurant. I remember thinking at the time that I wouldn’t order something because I liked the name, but rather I would order based on the food description. There was no dish named after the Klingon Gagh, because I guess there’s no Western dish that approximates worms.

A co-worker came back from Thailand earlier this year and she brought back bags of dried caterpillar bugs for us to try. Perhaps Quark’s Bar should have tried to approximate Gagh with some foreign delicacy. I think there are Trekkies that would try an exotic dish in order to have bragging rights, especially the Trekkies who have an affinity with the Klingons. Not many of my co-workers tried the dried caterpillar bugs. Perhaps the management at Quark’s Bar made the right decision not to be adventurous with the food. (The dried caterpillar bugs tasted like pork rinds.)

There was a wide range of food available, and the names I have to admit were cute. Let me scan the menu (available as a .pdf at the STTE web-site) to see if I can jog my memory as to what I had. Cardassian Pockets consist of sliced prime rib, layered in pita bread with lettuce, tomato and onion, and topped with Yamok sauce (similar to sour cream horseradish). This sounds familiar and it is something I would order right now if I could. But here is something else I would order: Grilled Chicken Khan consisting of grilled chicken breast and Ciabatta bread, roasted garlic aioli with baby spinach and Roma tomatoes. (I have no idea what aioli is. As a helpful hint, if you’re looking at the .pdf, you should increase the magnification beyond 100% because the font they use has “i” indistinguishable from “l” at standard magnification.)

Oh, wait, since I’m anal, I must have the receipt from Quark’s Bar somewhere. OK, I managed to find it in an unmarked file folder. Oh, my culinary tastes haven’t changed. I did have the Cardassian Pockets for $12.99. And to drink, I had a Phaser Fire for $5.00. Here’s the menu description for the Phaser Fire: “If you get caught in a phaser crossfire, this drink should cool off your burns. A frozen blend of raspberry and strawberry puree.” This was in the Neutral Zone section of the bar drinks because it’s non-alcoholic. Hey, I was on duty! And besides, there was no synthehol on the drink list.

I should mention that I was not alone in Quark’s Bar. I saw people eating at the bar itself, so rather than grab a table to myself, I grabbed a seat at the bar. A lone woman was finishing her meal two seats down from me when I sat down. And a group of two nerds were sitting with two attractive women a couple of seats away in the other direction. It was apparent after overhearing the conversation that the two nerds were hitting on the two women. Two employees dressed and acting like Klingons caught on to this fact and good-naturedly tried to steal the women away. Eventually the two women left leaving the nerds behind, but they were gracious in their rejection of the nerds.

As for the lone woman, she struck up a conversation with me. I can’t remember what her “opening line” was. I think it was something about the food. I had a pleasant conversation with her. She was an OS fan. On vacation. I apologize for not being able to remember her name.

In summary, I loved the rides. I’m not much of a food critic (at work, I have a reputation for eating leftovers), but I thought the food at Quark’s Bar was fine. Overall, it was an enjoyable experience. STTE is aptly named.

Note: While researching this article (I had to look up the year when STTE opened), I discovered the latest rumour was that STTE would indeed be closing in September of this year. The official announcement had yet to be made. Supposedly, during negotiations, hotel management thought the space could be put to better use in generating higher revenue even though consideration was given to the new movie opening next summer. There is a Creation Convention taking place in August at STTE. When the closing is announced, perhaps that convention will get a big boost as people make plans to attend STTE before it closes. I wonder if there’s any chance now in saving STTE. Perhaps it needs a new venue. There’s always the possibility of moving it over to Europe!