Treknobabble is a continuing series of columns written by uber-Trekkie Reed Farrington in anticipation of the upcoming J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie.

Disclaimer: Each Star Trek convention offers a unique experience that depends on a variety of factors. I think the four major factors are who is organizing the convention, where the convention is taking place, who are the guests, and what type of person you are. Your experience will probably differ from the account that I will be describing. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. (Besides, I can’t remember the names.) Some of the events may not have occurred chronologically as recounted. (Once again, because my memory has blurred the events together.)

Over the years, I have been to a handful of conventions. My main reason for going was to acquire merchandise, not to see the guests. I’ve only been to conventions held in Toronto, Canada and Buffalo, U.S.A. So I’ve never gone to one far from home.

I haven’t been to one recently and not because Star Trek’s popularity has waned in the past decade. I usually had to attend alone, and I’m not the type of person who can easily strike up a conversation with strangers. So Star Trek conventions have been lonely experiences for me.

There was one convention from which I’d like to describe an experience, because it was a rare aligning of the stars that enabled me to have the courage to approach a woman! But I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me tell you a bit about the convention first.

Held over 4 days from Nov. 21st through to the 24th of 1996, the convention was billed as Toronto Star Trek: The Festival. As far as I know, this was the biggest celebration of Star Trek in Canada. A special opening day screening of Star Trek: First Contact was part of the festivities. Star Trek was at the height of its popularity. Tourism Toronto was involved and major sponsors included major newspapers, television stations, radio stations, amusement parks, and an airline!

The first event was a festival introduction with the organizers and celebrities followed by a dance. This was held at nighttime at a modern nightclub by a lake. The organizers had business reasons and interests for holding the festival, and did not strike me as being Trekkies. These were beautiful people! Not surprisingly, I never saw them again after this night’s festivities.

I don’t recall who the celebrities were, so I guess they didn’t make much of an impression. I do remember that there were a few prizes for audience members who answered Star Trek trivia questions. One of the prizes was something I really wanted. It was Star Trek voice security software for allowing access to your computer by only your voice command. The question was, “In the episode The Trouble with Tribbles, what is the number of tribbles that Spock tells Kirk will be on the ship after a week?”

Now this is the type of stereotypical question that normal people think Trekkies memorize the answers for. It’s totally useless knowledge! Saturday Night Live made fun of this type of question when William Shatner guest starred in the infamous “Get a Life!” sketch. In the sketch, one of the convention attendees asks Shatner what the combination was to his wall safe in episode 15 or something like that.

By coincidence, a few weeks before this convention, I had been reading the novelization of Trials and Tribble-ations, the Deep Space Nine tribute episode, and the number of tribbles had been mentioned in the novel. I remembered thinking when I was reading that the number of tribbles would make a really good Star Trek trivia question. So all I had to do was yell out the number and I’d have myself the voice security software. No one else in the audience had the answer!

But I couldn’t remember the number. And now I really can’t remember the number. Let me look up the number. I don’t have Internet access at the moment, but I’m not sure I’d even be able to find the number. But I’m going to get my novelization. Got it. The novel is only 180 pages, but by riffling through the pages, I found the number in less than 10 seconds. I kid you not. The number is 1,771,561. Why did I go to the trouble of looking up this number for you? Well, maybe it might save your life someday. You might find yourself in a real-life Saw movie where the sadist might be a trekkie who will demolecularize you unless you tell him how many tribbles there will be assuming one tribble multiplying with an average litter of ten, producing a new generation every twelve hours for a period of three days. OK, probably not.

Anyhow, some doofus yells out a really large number and since no one has any better number, the doofus is called to the stage to accept the voice security software. Dammit, Jim! I’m a computer geek, not a memory storage and retrieval system!

Don’t worry, I’m about to get to the juicy part of the story. No more trivia questions. So the dance begins. I’m here at the nightclub by myself, but there are finger sandwiches and other assorted hors d’oeuvres available. I take advantage of this opportunity to gorge myself. While I’m discreetly munching away, I stroll around the various levels of the nightclub. And from an upper level, I spot a woman by herself. Since this is a nightclub, you can imagine that the lighting levels are dim.

I’m not sure for how long I meander about, assessing the Trekkies in my midst. Time has faded my impressions of the people, but I remember thinking that for the most part, the Trekkies are not attired appropriately for a nightclub. Seeing the Trekkies among the skimpily attired female bar servers is more bizarre than the Star Wars Cantina scene. (Forgive this reference to the other franchise.)

After every lap within the nightclub, I am able to refine my assessment of the lone woman and I’m quickly concluding that she is an Oriental beauty. But she remains alone every time I see her. I expect her companion to appear at any moment with drinks in hand. I assume she was dragged here and is part of the organizer contingent. She seems bored.

I find myself perched back at the railing on the upper level looking down upon her. She has not changed her position since the first time I have laid eyes on her. My heart begins to race. My mind wanders back in time to other social occasions where a woman has caught my attention. And having waited too long to approach the woman, I have suffered disappointment at seeing someone else approach her first. I begin to think maybe she is alone, and she’s waiting for someone to ask her to dance. I imagine that someone is walking towards her right now!

And then my panic subsides as I remember that I’m with geeks at a Star Trek convention. It’s time for Reed Farrington to make his move…

To be concluded.