Treknobabble is a continuing series of columns written by uber-Trekkie Reed Farrington in anticipation of the upcoming J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie.

With The Next Generation leaving the television airwaves on a high-note and movie reviewers constantly making geriatric references to the Original Series crew, it was time for the new crew to take over the movies. To Rick Berman’s credit, Berman thought the next movie should involve some sort of handing of a baton from the old crew over to the new crew. Besides, having a movie with both Captain Picard and Captain Kirk seemed like sure box-office success.

Star Trek: Generations

Star Trek: Generations was supposed to have the triumvirate of Kirk, Spock and McCoy in it, but we ended up with Kirk, Scotty, and Chekov. A Kirk sky-diving sequence from orbit was cut from the beginning of the film. But it was too late for the toy presses to stop production of a Kirk in a space sky-diving outfit.

Both Kirk and Picard were so old that they had difficulty together beating up one villain played by Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Kirk and Picard do become dobby droogs, but Kirk snuffs it twice. First, he gets razrezed into space and then later, he lands on his gulliver. Originally, Kirk got oobivated by Alex from a laser pooshka blast to the back. But test screenings had the audiences crarking and creeching at the screen. So the producers had to spend some more cutter and reshoot the ending. If only Kirk had had a shlem.

Many people were confused with how one could get into the Nexus that allowed you to “live” in any experience that you imagined. Soran was blowing up worlds in order to change the gravitational effects on the Nexus so that the Nexus would pass over a planet that Soran could be on. But why couldn’t Soran just fly into the Nexus with a spacecraft? After all, Kirk had gotten in the Nexus when it had struck a starship section that Kirk had been in.

Guinan, the space hostess on The Next Generation, is somehow linked with the Nexus. Wait, wasn’t Guinan able to get Picard into the Nexus in order to bring Kirk back. So why didn’t they get Guinan to bring Soran into the Nexus?

Anyway, because of the nebulous workings of the Nexus, I’m sure some explanation could be worked out to bring Kirk back again.

Many people thought this movie was boring and that only when Shatner appeared did the movie liven up. It was strange to hear people appreciating Shatner after all the years that people were lambasting him for his over-acting.

The Enterprise-D was destroyed. People unkindly noted that Counselor Troi was driving at the time.

I do like the message of the film of making a difference in the world of reality. Come to think of it, the movie seems to be saying that playing video games in an imagined world where nothing really matters is meaningless.

Star Trek: First Contact

Star Trek: First Contact had the Borg. Many people enjoyed this film. Number One (Riker) directed this film. This film did so well that they got him to direct the next movie as well.

There’s time travel, and we get to see humanity’s first meeting with the Vulcans.

Marina Sirtis as Troi got some praise for her drunken scenes.

The scene where the Borg queen’s head and spinal column connects to the rest of her body was a highlight.

Alice Krige as the Borg queen was very sexy.

People seemed to enjoy Picard’s speech about having had enough of the Borg before accidentally destroying the Enterprise models in the display case.

Star Trek: Insurrection

Star Trek: Insurrection was written by Michael Piller, the man that many considered made The Next Generation so popular. Ironically, most people either hated this film or never bothered seeing it. There’s a cute CGI chipmunky animal that was added to sell merchandise, but I think I’m the only person with the Beanie Baby version of this thing.

This movie was about a planet where something in the atmosphere kept everyone young, and the plan by the Federation to relocate the inhabitants. Picard and crew side with the inhabitants.

Picard’s kiss with a woman is edited out.

Star Trek: Nemesis

Star Trek: Nemesis put the nail in the coffin. This movie had everything going for it. A famed editor/director who had directed some decent action movies. A hot writer who had Spielberg and Scorsese asking him for his services. Data dies in this one. Sort of. Frankly, I don’t understand why Data had to sacrifice himself.

A younger clone of Picard is the nemesis with plans to take over Earth.

We get to meet another of Data’s “brothers.” This brother is more retarded than a Pakled.

Oh, this movie has Romulans in it.

So that wraps up all the Star Trek movies. I know I’ve given short shrift to the Next Generation movies.

All the Star Trek movies are so inexpensive right now on DVD that they’re practically disposable. So if I’ve piqued your interest at all, go out and sample one or two of them. And tell me what you think.

New extras are currently being filmed for the re-release of these movies on Blu-Ray. David Gerrold, “The Trouble with Tribbles” writer, was recently interviewed to comment on the crew assembly scene in The Motion Picture for its Blu-Ray release. Many non-actors were given a chance to be in a Star Trek movie through this scene where Kirk announces the mission to the crew.

Normally, to announce a mission in the television series, Kirk would just sit in his comfy bridge chair and page the entire ship using a button embedded in his chair. I don’t know why he just didn’t tell Uhura to open up a hailing frequency for paging the ship. Nowadays, the only control buttons I ever see on chairs are on massage loungers. Maybe this was a feature we never got to see on Star Trek’s bridge chairs.

Back to the crew assembly scene, I always wondered how Kirk would have responded to late stragglers to this meeting on the crew deck. In Star Trek’s future, everyone is always on time.

If you do try watching any of these Star Trek movies as your first exposure to Star Trek, I hope you’re not disappointed. In any case, I’m guessing that J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek will be completely different. Abrams has the money to do anything he wants with the latest visual effects. The actors are young enough to do stunts that the series’ actors were too old to do. And… darn it. I haven’t got a big finish.