In small numbers, they’re slow, sluggish and easy to avoid. But in large groups, they’re dangerous. They’re fanboys, and the only way to stop them is DESTROYING THEIR BRAINS.

I’m sure you’ve probably heard about the controversy surrounding the release of ‘Fanboys’, the Kyle Newman directed comedy about a gang of teens and their dying friend trying to break into the Skywalker Ranch for a sneak peek at Star Wars Episode 1. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, join 99.98% of the rest of the world. Apparently this film has been in limbo ever since some low test screening scores, prompting the studio (The Weinstein Company) to rethink it’s comedic approach to a cancer sub plot that most folks felt was a total buzz kill. Enter Steven Brill, director of Drillbit Taylor and other comedy gems. His job is to lighten things up with some reshoots, completely eliminating the ‘dying wish’ subplot, thus sending Star Wars fans around the world into a frenzy!

Once Star Wars fanboys caught wind of these changes, word started to spread amongst interweb message boards like a wild fire on Dagobah…or something. The last thing you want to do is let an internet fanboy know that you’re making changes without his approval. Look at what happened with Transformers! Everyone hated the flames on the truck and…well they just had to deal with it. But don’t you DARE mess with a teenage comedy cancer sub plot! The time has come for Star Wars fanboys to unite and ensure that director Kyle Newman’s vision isn’t compromised! Such heroics are honourable to some, but for me, this whole thing stinks of horse piss.

First of all, you dudes haven’t even seen the movie. NEITHER VERSION. What if the cancer plot IS a buzz kill?? Or better yet, what if BOTH versions blow serious Dewback cock? After some lack lustre trailers, I have to say that Fanboys looks like a pretty middle of the road comedy. The only reason it’s getting as much attention as it is, OF COURSE, is because of the Star Wars element. Is that really all it takes? Dress some of your main characters as Storm Troopers and you’ve got an instant classic? Somebody better tell the dudes who made Balls of Fury. Oh wait…the star of that piece of shit is IN Fanboys! I wonder how many 80’s metal jokes he’ll spout off in this one.

Earlier this week, all of the major news sites (at least those run out of single bedroom apartments) announced a mass protest as organized by ‘Fanboys’ fanboys. The plan? This Friday, tens to hundreds of people will REFUSE to see Superhero Movie. My first question…you were actually going to see it otherwise?? Geez. Just stay home and read some Mad Magazine back issues and skip Superhero Movie AND Fanboys. This could be the lamest protest ever. Scratch that, it’s equally as lame as every other internet fanboy protest that pops up every six months.

The latest news in this whole debacle comes from Cinematical in the form of a series of supposed email interactions between fanboys and Steven Brill himself. The first point of contention with Mr.Brill, he’s not a Star Wars fan!! Gasp. I mean come on, does it really matter?? Hell, Nicholas Meyer wasn’t a Star Trek fan in the least and he ended up cranking out some of the best Star Trek films to date. I’m sure Kyle Newman isn’t a cancer survivor, yet you entrust him to tell that story convincingly. Sigh. Anyways, I’ve copied and pasted the emails below. After giving them a quick read I’m not convinced they’re real. See for yourself:

Email 1:
Fan’s email to Brill:
Sent: Feb 23, 2008 5:25 PM
Subject: You suck for re-cutting ‘fanboys’
You suck for re-cutting ‘fanboys’
You really do.

Brill’s response:
From: ******@******
Subject: Re: You suck for re-cutting ‘fanboys’
U suck for e mailing me your bullsh*t whining. U r gonna like fanboys better because of me and then u can kiss my ass
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Email 2:
Fan’s email to Brill
Dear Mr. Brill,
I had contacted my theatres booking agent when I first heard about “Fanboys. ” I thought it would be an uplifting and funny change of pace for our theatres.
Now, I realize that it will be the same cut and dried mainstream junk that has been habitually littering our auditoriums.
I am going to contact my booker and suggest that as a company, we do not pick up this film for presentation. You have ruined a wonderful concept.

Sincerely,
Chris

Brill’s response:
From: *****@******
No. Please god. No Chris… please no. Don’t wield your power against us. I was just trying to help. Please Christopher don’t hold it against the movie. We’ll do anything to gain your trust. You seem so important and so knowledgeable, obviously you have formed a real considered opinion and the fact that you will not book us into your theatre is so unfair. I implore you sir please reconsider. Direct your wrath at me, but don’t take it out on the movie….. What can we do to appease you Chris? You dumb cu*t. E mail me again and I will hunt you down f**ker… try me.
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Email 3:
Fan’s email to Brill:
You’re involved with Fanboys for nothing more than a quick buck. You don’t give a damn about the movie, Star Wars or its fans, so why the f**k did you agree to the job? Do you sleep comfortably at night knowing that you’ve bastardised a film that has the potential to become a cult classic for years on end into a movie which will be forgotten about in less than 6 weeks.
Little Nicky was okay, the rest sucked.
Once more, f**k you!

Brill’s response:
From: ******@*******
Hey Owen. You’re kind of a big mouth tough guy over the internet. Wanna come say f**k you to my face? I’d be happy to give you the chance. How about this tough guy. You and I go head to head in a Star Wars Trivia contest. You think I don’t care about the wars f**ker? I know more about it than you can imagine. I care deeply and have been immersed in Star Wars since it came out. I was there jerk off. I still have my stub. I have seen the trilogy probably a hundred times in the theater! And you dare question my caring. You think I would do it for the money!? I did it to get the movie released! So people like you could see it. But come on. Let’s prove who cares more. Five thousand dollars to the winner of a trivia contest. I’ll donate my winnings to the American Cancer Society…So get ready big shot… If you e mail me again, you better be ready to lose that five thousand.
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Hey, I have nothing against passion, but these emails are ridiculous. The funniest part of it all is how much these fans are pushing for the cancer story. It’s like cancer fandom. It’s as though they’re so wrapped up in themselves that they’ve lost track of what they’re even fighting for. I’m a fan of many things, but I think I can do without the cancer sub-plot in this teenage comedy. It seems to me that most of the folks on the internet simply like the idea of getting their small voices heard by the big shots. Whether it’s speaking out against studios clamping down on leaked content, sending tons of nuts to television producers to bring back their favourite shows, or complaining about the ratio of robots to humans in their favourite movies, internet fans want to be acknowledged. (Just look at the end credits of Clerks 2 for proof of this.) Can you imagine if all of that energy and passion was put to good use? Who knows how the world could change. A cure for cancer perhaps? How ironic would that be?