Two Star Trek articles in one day? Ladies and gentlemen we have created a monster. I think we might have to change the name of the site to Trek Junk… but I’m actually okay with that. Here are Reed Farrington’s latest musings on the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Only now are we starting to grasp the true breadth of his obsession. Enjoy! — Sean

Today marks the auspicious publication date of Captain Kirk’s Guide to Women. Those familiar with the Original Series have fond memories of the women Kirk wooed in outer space (and also back on Earth in the past). (Makes me sort of wonder who Kirk’s love interest will be in the upcoming movie.) I thought I would take this opportunity to warp through memory wormhole and recall some of Captain Kirk’s women.

During the 60s, television standards prevented the belly button to be shown. Yet, Bill Theiss, the costume designer, more often than not was able to create provocative costumes that appealed to the prepubescent, adolescent, as well as middle-aged, viewers. No wonder Star Trek’s highest demographic was among male viewers aged 16 to 45.

(When the television standards relaxed in the 70s, Gene Roddenberry took it upon himself to feature a woman with two belly buttons in his television pilot, “Genesis.”)

One costume that springs to mind is the outfit that Apollo has Lieutenant Palomas (Leslie Parrish) don. The top of the pink garment is draped diagonally across her front with her bare back exposed. (I don’t suppose words do justice to the outfit.) When Apollo causes a fierce windstorm during the episode, it’s a wonder that Palomas is able to keep her decorum while keeping her outfit from blowing away. Alas, Kirk knows better than to fraternize with a crew member, so Kirk doesn’t get to kiss her. But Kirk does manage to convince her to spurn Apollo in order to allow Kirk to defeat him.

(There is an infamous blooper with one of Mudd’s women writhing seductively, only to have a breast pop out from the band of cloth meant to cover it.)

A curvaceous android played by Sherry Jackson had a pantsuit that accentuated her curves. Believe me, this is no ordinary pantsuit. Her midriff (above the belly button, of course) is exposed. Kirk has a reputation for talking computers to death. And when the computer or machine has lips, Kirk isn’t averse to using his tongue to shape more than words. So you can probably guess how he manages to confuse this android.

In my opinion, one of the sexiest women was Dr. Helen Noel played by Marianna Hill. There’s something to be said about a woman in uniform (especially when the uniform is a mini-skirt). She was an Enterprise psychiatrist who went with Kirk to investigate a penal colony. They had a past history in which Kirk had boffed her at a Christmas party before she joined the Enterprise. (Notice the character’s last name. Those writers were clever. As a side note, it took Ben Stiller to point out to me the cleverness behind a name given to a librarian: Mr. Atoz.) Again, because Kirk won’t fraternize with a crew member, it takes the use of a brain washing machine to get Kirk groping the good doctor.

(Not to be tawdry or change FilmJunk into a Mr. Skin website, but I can’t help but mention that you can catch Marianna Hill in the buff in the well-regarded Haskell Wexler film, “Medium Cool”.)

In one episode, there is an infamous scene that begins after a commercial break. Captain Kirk is seated on a bed, putting on his boots, while the woman guest star is preening herself in front of a mirror. The episode title is fittingly called, “Wink of an Eye.”

It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention Kirk’s one true love interest (no, not the Enterprise ship): Edith Keeler played by Joan Collins. To be honest, I sort of fell in love with her, too, when she gave that speech about believing that one day, man would go to the stars. She seemed so wholesome and intelligent. I think she reminded me of a teacher. And during puberty, every school boy develops a crush on a teacher, doesn’t he? (At the end of the episode when Kirk is still regretting having had to sacrifice her, he utters the line, “Let’s get the hell out of here.” It is the first time the word “hell” is used on television.)

I could go on and on. (Oh, what about Shahna, the silver-green haired, tin foil outfitted slave master who Kirk won over by teaching her about love.) In the words of Captain Kirk, “Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman… always remains a woman.” – From TOS eps, “The Conscience of the King.”