Movember Movies: Death Wish 3 (1985)

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Charles Bronson returns to New York and kills hundreds of people.

Death Wish 3 is the apex of punk panic movies; the ultra-violent culmination of a dream in which punks are portrayed as nothing more than snarling monsters that never cease roaming, hunting, and killing. It’s so far removed from reality that it can only be viewed as a strange phantasmagoria where Cyrus in The Warriors succeeded in combining the might of all the gangs of New York, only to have Charles Bronson show up and torch them all. In short, Death Wish 3 is the reason why cinema was created.

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TAD 2011: Manborg Review

Manborg
Written and Directed by: Steven Kostanski
Starring: Adam Brooks, Adam Camara, Christine Elise, Matthew Kennedy, Jeremy Gillespie

In a future where the denizens of Hell have conquered the Earth, humanity’s only salvation lies in the cybernetic fists of Manborg and his companions Mina, Justice and Number One Man.

Manborg! Say it out loud right now. Let it roll off your tongue. That’s what it would feel like if you could have sex in your mouth. Manborg!

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TAD 2011: The Divide Review

The Divide
Directed by: Xavier Gens
Written by: Karl Mueller, Eron Sheean
Starring: Michael Biehn, Lauren German, Milo Ventimiglia, Michael Eklund, Rosanna Arquette

As New York City is annihilated above them, a group of tenants survive by taking shelter in the basement of their apartment building only to face the dangers of interpersonal conflicts, radiation poisoning, and an unknown threat from the outside.

The Divide combines two of my favourite scenarios; the apocalypse and the pressure cooker. There’s nothing quite so satisfying as watching a diverse group of people try to keep their shit together during a high stress situation, and it doesn’t get more dire than the End of Civilization. Unfortunately, The Divide adds yet another ingredient into the mix: improvisation.

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Tura Satana 1938-2011

“Let’s examine closely then this dangerously evil creation, this new breed, encased and contained within the supple skin of woman. The softness is there, the unmistakable smell of woman, the surface shiny and silken, the body yielding yet wanton. But a word of caution: handle with care and don’t drop your guard.”

Russ Meyer’s films have such an unabashed energy, are so far ahead of their time, that it’s sometimes hard to believe that his most famous movie was released over four decades ago. That realization hit me hard when I went to a screening of Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! with star Tura Satana in attendance. It was disheartening to see someone who portrayed one of the most vibrant characters in cinematic history struggle to ascend a flight of stairs. Time catches up to us all.

Then Tura spoke.

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Obsessed Review

obsessed

A psychotic temp stalks a successful businessman, and only the man’s equally psychotic wife can stop her.

There’s a certain kind of movie that many would dismiss as simply bad that appeals to me on a visceral level. These films tend to embrace their conceits, throwing away the pretense of sophistication that so many lesser movies hide behind and pushing their frenzied visions into the absurd. I admit, I hadn’t felt this kind of excitement for a mainstream release since I Know Who Killed Me. So does Obsessed measure up?

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Megan Fox Shore Is Purty Fer Jonah Hex

jonahfox

I met with Sean for lunch the other day, and at one point we discussed that most ornery of movie blog topics; finding something to say about news that offers little in the way of meaningful dialogue. The example that came up was the recent behind-the-scenes pictures of Megan Fox on the set of the supernatural Western Jonah Hex. Since my job description basically entails covering the stories no one else wants, I figured I’d take a stab at it. Besides, I wanted to talk about Jonah Hex before I vamoose, if anyone even bothers reading past that link.

Jonah Hex is one of my favourite comics. For the longest time it was as close as North American comics got to Spaghetti Westerns, with morally ambiguous characters, spidery artwork and a horribly disfigured hero among other oddities. Despite its peculiarities, Jonah Hex rarely dealt with the supernatural, though the gothic atmosphere certainly gave some people that impression. That’s why I’m dreading this film as much as I am looking forward to it. I think Brolin is a great pick for the title character, but I’m worried the movie is going to be trading in atmosphere and grit for zombies and cheap thrills. What kind of Western do you prefer, if any? Please remember to phrase your comments in Wild West dialects.

Jackie Chan Returns To Armour Of God

mrdynamite

Now that James Brown is gone, Jackie Chan has little competition when it comes to the title of Hardest Working Man In Show Business. I’ve posted about some of his upcoming movies over the past few months, but this one is something special. To celebrate his 100th movie, Jackie Chan is resurrecting one of his most popular franchises with a new installment, Armour of God III: Chinese Zodiac. The Armour of God series deals with a globe-trotting treasure hunter, in a similar vein to Indiana Jones.

I wonder if the hundred movies includes cameos, documentaries and that one porno he’d rather we all forget about. Even more pressing is why he would choose Armour of God. I imagine it may be because of that series’ accessibility, though I would love it if he did a third Drunken Master, or even better, one last reunion with Yuen Biao and Sammo Hung for a Project A 3. That guy has a lot of unfinished trilogies lying around. So long as we’re daydreaming, what project would you want Jackie Chan to star in while he’s still movin’, doin’ it, y’know? Can I count it off?

McG Will Show You His If You Show Him Yours

dongs

Stop the presses! I’ve been wrestling with a number of news items all day long, but it wasn’t until I read this latest item that I truly felt the urge to comment. In an interview with Details magazine, McG, director of Terminator: Salvation, has challenged Michael Bay, director of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, to a penis-measuring competition. No metaphorical dick swinging for McG. This is a man who wants to see the real deal in all its glory.

“Michael Bay has a big c*ck,” he says. Huh? “But I’d like to believe mine is bigger.” McG smiles. “If he’s up for it, we can both reveal ourselves on the Spartacus steps at Universal and put the question to rest.”

Arguably the best part of the above statement is McG’s acknowledgment that Michael Bay is totally packing. I wonder if Michael Bay will be up for the challenge. It can’t be that hard. When you lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling trying desperately to fall asleep, who do you imagine has the larger junk, McG or Michael Bay? Choose wisely!

Lynchian Bollywood Cobra Woman Trailer For Hisss

hisss

2008 was a bit of a wash for me in regards to the movies. Other than Rambo, Kung Fu Panda and a handful of others, it was a dead zone. Thankfully 2009 is picking up the slack. It’s as if they held back all the good stuff just to surprise me later. So far the trailers of 2009 alone have proven better than the combined feature films of 2008. Case in point, Jennifer Lynch’s Hisss.

Mallika Sherawat stars as a Naga, a mystical snake woman who journeys into human society to rescue one of her cobras from a scientist. The effects by Robert Kurtzman look tight and the action is hot and sticky, just how I like it. Check out the teeny-tiny trailer below and let us know if Hisss has put a spell on you.

Lunatics To Remake Videodrome

Universal Studios has announced that they are moving forward with a Videodrome remake. For those of you not familiar with the movie, it is an hallucinatory satire of mass media starring James Woods as an independent softcore pornography television broadcaster who becomes involved in an international conspiracy involving snuff films, stomach vaginas, and Deborah Harry. So, y’know, perfect material for a big-budget action remake.

I made an oath long ago that I would no longer get upset over remakes. This was an easy promise to keep considering most of my favourite movies have already been updated and my heart is now a small lump of calcified stone. However, with this announcement I feel a different emotion, one I never thought I would experience due to a remake; confusion. The original Videodrome is at once visionary and indecipherable, a sleazy psycho-sexual tone poem so idiosyncratic that I doubt anyone, even Cronenberg, could come close to replicating it today. Only the insane would take on a project like this. If anything, maybe it will make a nice companion piece as the kind of entertainment shown within the original. Is this move incredibly wrong-headed, or are you ready to embrace the New Flesh?

Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead Trailer

One of the recurring things I hear when I speak with people about film, after expressing my lack of knowledge concerning a particular favourite, is that I’ve lost all credibility. This came up again recently, so I decided it might be a good idea to find out the extent of my ignorance by listing some of the acclaimed movies I have yet to see. While I was jotting them down, Sean sent me a link to the trailer for Wrong Turn 3 and asked if I had any insight into it. Insight. Into Wrong Turn 3. I realized where I had been going wrong and threw my guilt list away! Who needs to watch Lord of the Rings when you’re considered an authority on the Wrong Turn series?

I have no idea whether the movie will be any good, and considering director Declan O’Brien has been tapped to helm The Little Shop of Horrors remake I suspect he’s got some chops, but this trailer is shit. There’s no hook, no build-up, and no hint of characterization. It’s just an f/x reel spoiling at least three or four kills. Having watched it a few times it appears that a few of the victims are wearing orange jumpsuits. If some of them are escaped convicts, and they have to band together with a bunch of horny teens to fight against inbred redneck cannibals, why not emphasize that fact? That’s awesome! Has the trailer enticed you back into the woods for more?

Rodriguez To Reboot Predator Franchise

predator

Robert Rodriguez dropped some pretty big news today as he announced his slate of upcoming projects, including Machete, Nervewrackers, The Jetsons, Sin City 2 and, wait for it, a Predator reboot. With so many movies in the work I wonder if Rodriguez even has time to bleed.

While Predator isn’t one of my favourite movies, it does have a special place in my heart as the first R-rated film I snuck into. So it’s surprising that the news of this so-called reboot doesn’t really faze me. Based on the title change alone it’s obvious this is going to be quite different from the original, and the concept lends itself to stand-alone installments. I can just imagine this being yet another Predator movie, not a replacement for the first one, like how the recent Friday The 13th remake was practically a sequel. I guess it’s too early to tell, but in a way I’m excited to see Predator finally get another solo film two decades after the last one. Anyone else up for another slice of Predator action, and do you think Rodriguez is the man for the job?