When it comes to the big screen there’s almost no shortage of memorable assholes to choose from. Yet, it takes a special kind of character to piss off audiences using nothing more than their own inflated egos and ability to make snide comments about women’s asses. Enter the movie douchebag, those classic characters who blend arrogance, sleaziness, misogyny and a general air of obnoxiousness, into one despicable personality. Movie douchebags are characters that go beyond simple antagonism, achieving such levels of blatant idiocy, annoyance and moral reprehensibility that they become characters we truly love to hate. So get ready to plum new depths of depravity as Film Junk presents…
THE TOP 10 BIGGEST MOVIE DOUCHEBAGS
10. Caledon Hockley from Titanic
A douchebag is bad enough on his own, but give a douchebag money, an undeserved sense of entitlement and his own personal butler and you’ve got some serious trouble on your hands. Enter Caledon “Cal” Hockley (played by the perpetually type-cast Billy Zane). Here’s a guy who shits on the lower classes, throws around cash like he’s fucking Suge Knight and spends most of the film trying to sleaze his way into Kate Winslet’s corset. If that wasn’t bad enough the guy blackmails the retarded kid from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, indiscriminately opens fire with a handgun inside the ship and then kidnaps a little girl to secure his place on board a lifeboat. Yup, douchebag, thy name is Caledon Hockley.
9. Steve Stifler from American Pie
Whether he’s verbally berating his friends, snapping towels in the locker room, or trying to taking advantage of drunken high school chicks, there’s little doubt that Steve Stifler is the ultimate douche de jour. Played by the quasi-douche-like Seann William Scott, Stifler is the embodiment of the typical American teenaged prick: a shallow, Abercrombie & Fitch-clad weasel spawned from the unholy loins of a suburban MILF.
8. Carter Burke from Aliens
It seems that even in the distant future the corporate douchebag remains a staple or everyday life. Nowhere is this more evident than Carter Burke, an executive for the ruthless Halliburton-style Weyland-Yutani Corporation. Played by former Mad About You star Paul Reiser, Burke is the ferret-faced embodiment of capitalist greed, manipulating and sacrificing the lives of an entire colony of humans in his attempt to find the perfect biological weapon (Dick Cheney eat your heart out). Yes, there’s a special place in hell reserved solely for crappy 90s sitcom stars and douches who let aliens face-fuck innocent people.
7. Frank T.J. Mackey from Magnolia
“Worship the cock. Tame the cunt.” Such is the mantra of pony-tailed douche Frank T.J. Mackey, an “inspirational speaker” who runs a men’s seminar on the finer points of picking up chicks for fun and profit. Played by Tom Cruise (no stranger himself to the world of douchebaggery), Mackey is a grade-A misogynistic scumbag. But like all douches Mackey does have his weakness, in this case nearly breaking down into tears when a reporter brings to light his painful childhood. Ugggg….if there’s one thing worse than a douchebag, it’s a sissy douchebag.
6. Chet Donnelly from Weird Science
Older brothers, by their very nature, are almost invariably monumental douchebags, employing a steady retinue of wedgies, name-calling and wet-willies in order to terrorize their helpless younger siblings. And while plenty of obnoxious older brothers have graced the big screen over the years few have achieved the same level as Chet Donnelly. Played to perfection by Bill Paxton, Chet’s two great loves in life are heavy weaponry and employing an Abu Ghraib style of sibling humiliation. Of course, one of the victims of Chet’s wrath — a young and notably nerdy Anthony Michael Hall — is himself transformed into the resident town fuckwad in Edward Scissorhands, proving that when it comes to movies, the circle of douchebaggery never really ends.
5. Ernie McCracken from Kingpin
With his ability to simultaneously bowl, pick up chicks and unleash a slew of passive aggressive insults, there are few douches who can top Ernie “Big Ern” McCracken. Whether he’s pouring sugar in the gas tank of a rival, showboating for a crowd or shamelessly promoting himself on national television, Big Ern’s morals are as loose and sloppy as his toupee. Throw in a penchant for nailing anything with a pulse and a mini-skirt and you have Ernie McCracken, a douchebag who gives new meaning to the term gutterballs.
4. Simon from True Lies
Yes, Bill Paxton makes the movie douchebag list for a second time in his portrayal of the sleaze-bag used car salesman turned low-life pussyhound known only as Simon. Primarily known for posing as an undercover CIA operative in order to worm his way into the panties of gullible women, Simon’s libido is matched only by his ability to hawk overpriced convertibles. The end result is a character so unbelievably douchey, he makes Kevin Federline look like James Bond.
3. Walter Peck from Ghostbusters
Peck. His name alone is whispered in reverence atop the sacred heights of Douchelympus. Played by William Atherton (an actor who has made a career out of playing assholes) Walter Peck is a morally repugnant New York City health official who has his head so far up his ass that he inadvertently unleashes a horde of ghosts onto New York City. Self-righteous, smug and unbelievably overbearing there are few characters who can top Peck in terms of sheer dogged douchebaggedness, earning him a top spot as an ectoplasmic prick who can turn even the stomachs of the undead.
2. Shannon Hamilton from Mallrats
With a shitty attitude, a pretty boy mug and a propensity for combining backdoor sex with New Kids on the Block lyrics, there are few douches that can touch Shannon Hamilton. Played by Ben Affleck — no stranger to douchebaggery himself during his J-Lo phase — Shannon has the lofty position of being a manager of an upscale men’s clothing boutique in a Jersey outlet mall. Arrogant, smarmy and trying desperately to force overpriced slacks on people, Shannon is a classic big screen tit, the kind of douche who’d stoop to almost any level to try and screw your girlfriend in an uncomfortable place — and no, we ain’t talking about the back of a Volkswagen.
1. Biff Tannen from Back to the Future
Who says the 50s were a happier, more innocent time? Biff Tannen proves that even in an era of malt shops and poodle skirts, the douchebag was alive and well. Played by Thomas Wilson (who reprised the role in all three films), Biff is a classic prick, bullying, abusing and — in the case of Lea Thompson -Ã¢â‚¬â€œ groping his way through life. The end result is one of cinema’s all-time assholes; a character so obnoxiously douche-like you’ll wish you could go back in time and drive a DeLorean straight up his ass.
What do you think? Are there any other legendary douchebag characters that should have made the list?